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Having sex after a long marriage

Being intimately is certainly not an accident. It happens because some things that men do and don’t do make it so. A man may think that the reason why he is intimately frustrated is rather straightforward. But in most cases it is not. Intimate frustration accumulates due to a combination of factors. And one can certainly influence a lot of them. So how can intimately frustrated men get integrated, at one with themselves, all of a piece, body and mind in agreement? How can they get congruent to start attracting intimate fulfilment? Here’re some handy tips:

Be real

  • Ask yourself: “Does what I do align with my sense of who I am?”
  • Allow your natural humor to let rip more often.
  • Be more your own boss.

Improve your state

  • Create environments which support your purpose.
  • Continue improving physical flexibility.
  • Explore how it physically feels when you’re congruent.
  • Also explore a variety of self-nurturing activities such as massage, meditation, acupuncture, homeopathy, Alexander technique, cranial osteopathy, yoga, Tai Chi, Reiki.
  • Notice your physiology. Strengthen your internal state. Practise keeping focus to become more centered.
  • Have more respect for your body.
  • Relax.

Address obstacles

  • Ask yourself what you’re afraid of when you avoid something.
  • Explore your fears and phobias.
  • Look at areas of doubt and inhibition.
  • Release negative emotions.
  • Do an inventory of your limiting beliefs in each main area of life.

What makes you intimately frustrated?

  • Is it the environment? The wife / partner or lack thereof?
  • Is it the time for intimacy or lack thereof?
  • Or is it the atmosphere for intimacy that you create or don’t create?
  • Is it what you do for or during intimacy?
  • Is it the match or mismatch of your partner’s style of intimacy?
  • Or are there perhaps beliefs around intimacy that limit it?

Resolve internal conflicts

  • Become more aware of the sights, sounds, feelings of when and how specifically you’re congruent and also incongruent.
  • Explore incongruence: what happens when you tell a lie? How do you feel? What does your physiology do?
  • Also keep asking ‘what specifically do I need to become more congruent?’.
  • Identify instances of conflict in your dreams and revisit them to resolve them.
  • SCORE as often as you can = identify the symptoms, causes, outcomes, resources, and effects of incongruent behaviors to resolve them.
  • Integrate parts of you that are in conflict.
  • Match words with nonverbal communication.

Resolve conflicts with others

  • Find new responses to people’s incongruence.
  • Get curious about the positive intentions of people’s actions.
  • Learn to look at issues from many angles.
  • Write to a person with whom you’re in conflict. Offer to explain rather than blame.

Notice what works

  • Notice things and situations which increase your congruence and do them more.
  • Pay more attention to the ‘trivial’ and ‘mundane’.
  • Regularly review your goals. Are they current and appropriate?
  • Review your experiences. Ask yourself ‘how did I achieve what I have?’.

Do what matters

  • Set clear well formed outcomes to which you’re committed.
  • Keep asking ‘what do I want?’. What do you want to look back on in your 90s and say ‘I’ve lived as I wished, my life has therefore been meaningful and made a difference for the better’?.
  • Commit to developing clear outcomes and act accordingly. The better you get at this, the better you will indeed be able to help others.
  • Play wholeheartedly without wondering whether you’re too old or what others think.
  • Tell the truth even if it may be cruel or unpleasant.
  • Do what you believe in.
  • Express what you REALLY want in a difficult situation.
  • Keep (even unspoken) promises to yourself and others.
  • Do more of what you enjoy and less of what you ‘should’.
  • Say no to things that you don’t enjoy.
  • Similarly, turn down offers of work that you don’t want to do.
  • Take control. Choose whether you’ll do things instead of being influenced by peer pressure.
  • Work with congruence as an outcome.
  • Speak or stay silent when you feel the desire to.
  • Mentally rehearse congruent behavior before a challenging event.
  • Develop creativity.
  • Tell stories and express yourself freely.
  • Use metaphor and image more. Hence create a strong partnership between the conscious and unconscious mind.
  • Continually seek ways to improve the quality of your life.
  • Spend time with models of excellence in areas which you need to develop.

Be more aware of yourself

  • Spend the first and last moment of a day on focusing on ‘what has it all been for?’.
  • Be clear about your values, criteria, and actions that honor those criteria for your key roles and relationships.
  • Pace your internal responses.
  • Ask yourself ‘how’s what I’m doing an expression of who I am?’.
  • Be curious about the positive intentions of all your actions.
  • Change your internal dialogue from ‘I can’t do it’ to ‘How can I…?’ and ‘Who can help me?’.
  • Pay more attention to your dreams at day and night.
  • Do more for yourself of what you do for others.
  • Commit to continuous self-development and engage in specific ways to achieve it.
  • At the end of each day ask yourself ‘what have I learned today? What have I contributed today? What has been exquisite or fun? When was I congruent / incongruent?’.
  • Intimately frustrated? You’re not alone.
  • And to start this process also consider getting some coaching. Or would you like to know anything else? You can certainly ask.

Intimately frustrated? You’re not alone.

And to start this process also consider getting some coaching. Or would you like to know anything else? You can certainly ask.

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